Mind Song

2008-11-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

Beautifully, Wonderfully, Naturally Me!

With a mind like mine
I was built to be alone.
Wander aimless through this distant land.
For me there is no home.

My way was paved by me
No social group, no bff
no way to prove my very being 'cept my musings no one's reading
anyway

I giggle to myself at thoughts even I don't understand.
At times I'm blind I get in line
with those who wonder why I am.

But with this mind there's no use trying
I just settle for the ride
This dusty road may have but one strange traveler
still she suits me fine!

2008-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

You Must Fight This

I can feel them.

I can feel them coming in on me. Those negative vibes.

I can feel their icey fingers gripping my ribs. Forcing out quick, draining exhalations.

Attempting to cloud my senses, melting into my atmosphere.

Settling into my subconscious like a thick fog.

You must fight this, a disant thought calls out in desperation. It is being choked out by the drumming in my heart. This demon settling in on my stomach. You must fight this she says again.

Angry storm trooper thoughts pound my temples.

Searching for open doors of which to enter into my mind.

I pray that the inhabitants of my lonely planet can defend themselves until I am present enough to provide backup.

You must fight this, she says again.

With each syllable a drum beats.

Or is it a heart beats?

Or is it the pounding of the wind?

Or the demon settling in on my abdomen?

Or the pulsating of each step until I reach safety leading the charge to defend my sanity.

Instead I lay in a drunken daze.

My actions stifled, thoughts hurried, worried in a slow, airless vacuum.

Floating.

2008-10-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

I Wish I Was a Black Woman

I wish I was a Black woman
Smooth brown skin and full, thick lips
Ooh, I wish I was a Black woman
I'd be born with gifted hips

I would walk with a musical swagger
I would dance with an ear to the rhythm
I would age secretly, forgetting my birthdate
And when I finally grayed
Oh the wisdom!

I wish I was a Black woman
I'd be the reason that mankind exists
I would scrunch up my eyebrows
Pouty lips would form phrases of struggle and pain
With my button nose, piercing eyes and fluffy hair
I would raise my delicate, beautiful hands
And form them into a powerful fist
That could penetrate any wall

Oh to be a Black woman!

I'd be a mystery
To look at me would be to see my history
You would know from my being
That my foremothers were survivors
You could see from my genetics
I have fought and conquered rivals
Oh to be a member of this clan
To be a member of this tribe
To be a walking testament
Of what I possess inside

To know I'd have the secret codes
To secret DNA
Brings fear and secret worries
this sleeping giant may reemerge some day
Shhhh

(whisper) Oh I wish I was a Black woman!

2007-11-18T03:57:00.000-08:00

Although I am tall
I am smaller than you
Baby fat accentuates my curves
Where yours are straight
I have observed many a sunrise
and heard the tick tock of my primal clock
Strong enough to face devilish threats head on
Yet sensitive enough to cry over the slightest insult
Consulting friends and family to establish support
Giggling with girlfriends despite attempts to present
A more mature persona, I am still a girl
with dreams and a brighter outlook
Chewing on my number two pencil in the back of the class
I still ask "what next?"
And have a crush on my chivalrous knight
With hopes that he might
Remember the codes of old
And maybe even open the got-damn door for me
Even though I can easily do this for myself
I still believe my momma
when she said that I was special
And hope to find someone who sees what my daddy did
when I was just a kid
Back when I didn't have a woman's figure to entice those
Who don't know me so well
I am still a girl, not short of a woman's glow
Although I can still play a mean game of chinese checkers
and long to hop onto the double dutch line
Without my breasts falling off from all of the bouncing around
Or eat snow cones so fast I get a brain freeze
My age betrays me and I watch my boyfriend with envy
Playing tackle football with his friends
Or leaving an unplanned basketball game at the gym
And me, too feminine to join in
Ten years ago, I would have at least asked
But now I'd have to beg and I don't beg
I already know...no one has to explain
It was over for me the moment I looked the part
Most definitely a woman
Just with a girl's heart

2007-10-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

My core is strong
And I stand on this long line of misinformed consumers
Buying into the waste that we allow to control us
Forced to vote between the lesser of two evils
As if voting for evil in any form
is better than choosing God
Well I choose God, in complex simplicity
We are blessed with the option of
Sweating to raise vegetation from dust
Warmed in the sun and soaked in wisdom's wetness
Drenched by His design and turned into
Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen
By our overly complicated thirst for knowledge and control
So that a land abundant with the seeds for growth
Can leave so many starving.
I am afraid.

2007-10-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

Life's Clock

You spit on me. Right on my forehead. While talking to me. You just spit on my forehead and then turned around and walked away, your high water khaki pants wedged tightly between your butt cheeks. It's probaly the braces you wear, I think to myself as I pick up my torture steak and follow after you to the back of the lane to mop up the spilled ketchup on aisle five.

"You can take out the trash and refill the candy display," you tell me through the silver cage imprisoning your teeth surrounded by miniature volcanic eruptions peppering your face like a third grade science project. "I don't care that there are rats back there, you have to take the trash bag all the way to the back of the trash room," you say with annoyance. I sigh and invision the clock. Even in my day dreams it has stopped. You do an army style about face and without even turning to look at me belch out "you have customers."

My day is spent rushing about a seven by seven foot space filled with cigarettes and candy. Hours of service melt into a collage of thoughts, a steady drumbeat of climatic highs and lows until you reemerge from the shit hole that you refer to as your office to offer criticism on the simplicity of refilling the coffee cups when they are low.

For a moment, this is my reality. Just a moment. This is an hour, a blink of God's eye. A distant memory, that I can recall at leisure. And with this recollection, I see my reflection in your retina. A beautiful, young, Black college student exploding with potential. Gracefully pushing a mop, elongated torso reaching for the pack of condoms and fitting that stupid uniform in ways you didn't know possible. Laughing with patrons and seeing a future beyond the parking lot. Rushing toward opportunity at the end of the day. Smiling bright with the security of knowing that I have the power to start the first day of the rest of my life at any given moment. I would hate me too, if I were you. I am already that person. Looking at you, yet looking past you as I drop a dollar into your tip jar and you smile weakly wondering what I do for a living. Wondering where I go when the door drifts shut behind me and clicks into place locking you in. Wondering why the gods smiled on me, forgetting the hour that I put in on life's clock. But I remember.

2007-09-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

If You Think the End is Near

If you think the end is near. You're already too late

If you think the end is near, then you have taken the bait

The fate of many worlds rests upon the cold shoulders of those too high above the rest of us

To care. We have relied on a depleting sources which one day won't be there when these sources are a gross imitation of what was once a birthright, like food or air turned into capital, put into boxes, stamped, taxed, mailed and limited by human law. So that those not worthy groan with the anxiety of knowing food and shelter exists but the difference between a meal and hunger a home and the street is greater than physical distance but distance of the human mind which is beyond the binds that tie us to each other. I used to wonder why I had to eat all my food because some skinny African child who looked like me except with a bloated belly, surrounded by flies was starving in some foreign land I've never seen. Until I realized that child was me. And then I wondered how this image has been transferred to my tv screen via some 30 thousand dollar camera, 10 thousand dollar trip for crew and producer and 2 thousand dollar audio equipment and no one could hand these children a sandwich. "Watch as little Najir drinks the contaminated water." For the sake of pure journalism, we accept his fate. If you think the end is near, you're already too late.

You have taken the bait if youve ever blamed the poor for being poor and not changing a society where even college graduates can't get a good job anymore. We've been fighting on both sides since the beginning of time. Thinking that years have made progress, blinking back tears as testaments to our dedication these truths appear to be self evident, that I don't give a f about you and neither does your next door neighbor or our president, not just this one but 43 down the line, thinking that if we had a woman or a black man in charge things would be fine, but every human can be bought at a price. Every great man has been offered his slice and I am afraid of the corruption that surrounds me, although I have been born into a race I am not of it. So when I hear songs that exploit my human sisters on the basis of capitalism I do not shake my head in shame, but in empathy. Because I cannot sympathize. These are not my people. And when on the news a young boy is shot, or raped, I shed a tear for this sad species, but I can no longer relate. Because I don't think the end is near, I think it's here and it's too late.

2007-09-01T02:03:00.000-07:00

Who Needs Friends

Who needs friends, I ask myself as I hide my feelings and reveal a smile.

Tuck inner emotions away, safe from display

Understanding that no one will and with that

I must make my peace

Though uneasily making plans

That I know won't pan out

Because no day is a good day

When you're walking through the valley

of the shadow of death

Who needs friends, I ask myself

When I can't find the words, or the courage to say

No

When I can't find the motivation or the energy

to go

When the bills come fast, but the money comes slow

And the last thing I need to do is shop, club, dine, drive, spend, chill, or explain myself to a

jury of my peers who need a valid argument as to

why I didn't have the means to dress for the occasion

When my life is falling apart behind closed doors

I ask myself, who needs friends when I'm

Forced into a corner because of circumstances out of my control

The only thing that sustains me and gives a great excuse is work

But when I look into the faces of the people I hold close

I ask myself, who needs friends?

When I got fired, and you got a raise

When I'm getting blame, and you get the praise

When I can barely eat, and my mind's in a daze

When it's raining outside and my only protection is a wet blanket

And a whimper comes out in the place of a holler

What's in store for my life, must be planned down to the dollar

And people wonder why I'm nowhere to be found

How can I explain it this time around?

I'll be there, I say and hang up the phone

There's nothing close to the feeling of being alone

And when I cancel again and again and again

And get up the energy to try to blend in

Conversation is light, yet I'm crying within

It's then that I ask myself

Who needs friends

...like me?

2007-07-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

Should I be ashamed to mention your name?
A little embarrassed at my past actions
And past attempts to justify the obvious truths you unyieldingly deny
I stepped out with confidence and took a deep breath
I am a woman of value, a woman of depth
And what that means, is there's no turning back
I said what I meant, I must leave it like that
Still I couldn't help but to get a little swept and carried away
Not that I believed everything that you say
But no one wants to sleep with their eyes open all of the time
We want to close them at some point
And dream the dreams that rest our minds
Rude awakening, like freezing ice water dumped
It's only cold at first, until your whole body goes numb
Then there's no way of leaving with regards or with finesse
I can only go quickly and try to gather what is left
Because you and I both know this
I am the quest, I am the catch and
a woman of value, and a woman of depth
So I walk, and I strut
And my head is held high
But in silence, in secret
I ask myself Why?

2007-06-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

ATT-IT-UDE

Black women and the notorious at-ti-tude

Sometimes a defensive mechanism

And I'll admit sometimes we're just plain rude

But why wouldn't we be angry

For those who don't understand

In a society where

the downside to White is Black

and woman is the downside to man

Questioned at every endeavor, forced to decipher and ask

Am I being discriminated against because I am a woman

Or because I am Black?

Is my confusion common to every woman

Or do they think that I am easy because of rap?

And I happen to be the color that MY OWN brothers utter

Foul words against for the whole world to hear

Excused as mere talk or storytelling

That's rebelling exclusively against the gold diggers, hoes and those who

Push and shove, trying to be on the receiving end of that groupie love

But from a distance

The people outside of my own can't tell the difference

and so on countries all over the globe

Yellow man, red and white

Wonder what it would be like

to feel that jungle fever loving in the heat of the night

Those of us not casualties of whore-like behavior

Hold our heads despite the disrespect

Despite our own disfavor

Hey Baby! Lemme holla atchu!

Oh word? it's like that?

Yes, it's like that it should be very clear that any woman who respects herself

wouldn't answer to pssst... Bitch come 'ere!

Relax Black woman, why you looking so angry?

Ain't nobody trying to get in your pants

I'm just trying to ask if I could get a table dance

Let me grind on your backside

Let's get real low

Like the chick in the song, Ill watch you get it on the flo'

To repel such advances, I have to look mean

But my body betrays me, thick and curvy, easily seen

Not submissive enough, we were forced to be tough

A nice girl is mocked, and attacked and roughed up

They are called out their name, disrespected, neglected

A firm woman is challenged but definitely gets respected

I think I'll take being called a bitch for 400 Alex

Why am I so angry?

It's hard to discern

Everyday that I am Black is every day that I learn

And every day that I'm a woman is a day I take in

Sex for a black girl makes them into whores

And sex for a black boy makes them into men

Why are we so angry? I don't know, it's just in our blood

Since Noah and the flood

Since Egyptian days when God turned water into blood

Since the White man crawled up out the caves

Since Blacks were put into cages

Since my opinions were misconstrued as rage

Ever since I was put to the test

Ever since I was expected to settle for less

Ever since I realized that I was alone

We cannot rise if we put down our own

Why are we so angry

Cause it's hard on this side

Survival thickens the skin

If we want to survive

2007-06-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

You feel sick?
Let's see if we can't get this thing dealt with
Just let me know how much money you think you're working with
The cost of medications are so high they're out of this world today
But if you can't afford the cure then you deserve to die anyway
It ain't my fault you took the bait, everybody knows
Good things come to those who make lots and lots of money

2007-06-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF

I need to express myself
I want to scream out
As if I ain't got no job
As if I ain't got no bills
As if I ain't got no last name
To protect my family from the shame
Of my lungs giving in to the desire of
Being used at full force
I want to express myself
All over my boss
Yelling and slapping her
I want to reach into her pockets and take her last paycheck
And go on a shopping spree
I want to dance as if I ain't got no mama
Dance with my shirt hanging off
With my laughter hanging out
Because I haven't felt free enough to give
a genuine laugh in the presence of the world
since I was five years old
I want to express myself
And tell everybody to shut the hell up
So we can listen to ourselves
Don't we sound dumb as hell
I want to express myself
And ask the rich, why we so poor
And ask the poor, why don't we stick together
I want to ask the government what they do
That's so important
I want to express myself
Like everyone around me feels so justified
To patronize those who can't
Express themselves
I want to carry a gun and shoot at the tires
of the guy in the black bmw
That cut me off
On the highway
I want to go into the welfare offices
And beat up the middle aged, middle class women
That talked down to my mama
As if they were any better than her
I want to take a gun and shoot all of the people
Who don't snitch
Because I know they won't snitch
I want to express myself on the news that I watch everday
Black woman gone CRAAAAAZY
Would be the headline that I design
For my self expression
I want to beat up celebrities that say
"I'm just a normal person like you"
when they live with no
financial limitations, flashing it about like miniature gods
But get angry when fans turn into mobs
I want to shoot married couples with paint guns
So they can really have something to complain about
Rather than
Finding single happy people to harrass with stories
Of marriage gone bad
I want to express myself to the people
Who think that those in pain
Shouldn't complain
Because it hurts
We all hurt
And just because
We don't all have a yacht in the backyard
And a summer home in Tuscany
Doesn't mean, we didn't earn the right to be happy
Or pissed off for that matter
I want to express myself
To the Christians that beat everyone over the head with a cross
As if Jesus threw the first stone
I want to express myself to all the atheists and evolution theorists
Who try to beat people over the head with their ridiculous beliefs
I want to beat up bad carbohydrates and trans fats
I want to beat up spam email and taxes
I want to beat up injustice and false securities
I want to express myself
I want to yell at ex boyfriends
Who didn't deserve my time
I want to yell at bad women that give good women a bad name
I want to express myself
And scream out
At rappers who make a fool of Black folk
For the world to see
I want to scream out at those who make excuses
For some of the ignorant stuff they say
I want to express myself
to the girls who are already in hard times
And decide to bring a baby into the mix
I want to express myself to the young men
Who have three baby mamas and decided to make
One more vulnerable young girl, the fourth victim
I want to express myself to the girl at the checkout counter
Who doesn't even have the home training to say
"Hello!"
I want to express myself to the people who have bad days
And take it out on everyone around them
I want to express myself I want to express myself I want to express myself
And I think I just did!

2007-05-26T02:57:00.000-07:00

I speak of God

At times I am a tortured soul

I speak of God

And try to recall all the things I've been told

And I know the Bible tells us

Happy are those in constant dread

But my last name makes me uneasy

Maybe that's why I'm so happy

Contentment, never!

Who could possibly live with themselves and be content?

I reflect as only a poet knows how

And wonder how to improve myself

Could it be more money?

No

So I speak of God

A God-fearing, God-less, Child of God

And wonder why I am hesitant to communicate with the people I am around everyday

I ask why it's so hard to speak with respect

What do we lose?

Sometimes I feel like people think I am afraid

Why quiet and meek is looked down upon as weak I don't know

Then we wonder why today's youth have skipped communication altogether

And just reach for guns

Who could blame them?

They want to solve this problem

But in their hearts

They know that crime pays

Because where there is gross abundance, there is extreme lacking

One must drain the other, right? Law of physics.

Right down the street from the corporate city, is the inner city

You cannot have one without the other

Unless gross abundance is the source that keeps on giving

And where can you find an energy source that keeps giving and giving and giving without end?

I speak of God

As only a witness of his works

With the shame of a poet

Tortured by my own words

Speaking with disdain for the world

But excusing where I fall short

I pray for forgiveness

And tell it like it is

As only a poet could

2007-03-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

Just what I need to do

To move forward

The thing that pains me the most

My heart breaks at the thought of letting this go

Of letting us go...of letting you go

We've said it before

Backed up by everything except will power and action

And we never really let go...just pretend we can't help it

And we know that we are watched, we just pretend we can't tell it

Can't call it a bad habit really

Not when it occurs so naturally

Of all the fruit in the garden

I want the tree bearing fruit, I can't have

How ungrateful!

How primitive

Can't even say I feel guilt

Maybe once I pay

This

the

way

should

I convince myself

And I pretend God doesn't see us

in our blatant, oblivious

Careless, hopeless, way

In a perfect world, we say

In a perfect world...

But we know where we are

And it hurts to know the world is perfect

Except for human error

2006-12-16T06:29:00.000-08:00

How did you know, I love you so?

What did I do, to prove this to you?

How do you know, how I want to be kissed?

I don't remember telling you this

How did you find out, I talk about you

I think about you

I dream about you

How do you know, I love you so much

When you kiss me, I melt

When you watch me I blush

How did you know

That you set me aglow

How did you know, I love you so?

2006-06-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

WE or YOU

Your mangled words confuse me
Your fading light grows dim
I'm victim to your winding path
Enslaved by your every whim

I voiced my main concern
On this we both agreed
But little did I know my words
Would set a trap for me

A once spurned girl with cautious precision
I looked before I lept
But my amateur moves were not a match
To a man's calculated steps

I told myself that once is enough
And that I could not be fooled twice
I guess an attempt to make myself tough
If I was to be burned again, I wouldn't be very nice

But here you come and there I go
Suspicion in my eye
Only sparked by the whispered words
Exchanged when you walk by

Attempting to believe
I want to believe you
I know what I see
Every time that I see you

But I'd hate to believe
That I've joined a long chain of girls
That you may have deceived...or just fucked
It's only fair, that I am scared considering my luck

I've already opened myself up to you
Too late to take that back now
So my only option is to wait
And wonder if you'll hurt me and how

So my presence withers
My request at its simplest
My insides shiver
Please please please baby, don't turn me into a statistic

Don't do this to me
Find someone else first
Someone that has the energy left
To have it beaten out of her

Like a feeble old woman, like an abused child
My insides cry out
And my body cries
Out loud

With all of my trust
I throw sisterly love at the possibility
That it isn't just
lust

Am I special to you?
Do I carry something a little extra in your eyes?
I must ask myself
For once, can I be a man's prize?

I don't want to ask anymore
But I am still curious
At the end of the day
I breathe and I pray
Which is all that I can do
Is it us or just me.
Is it we, or just you.

2006-06-02T01:15:00.000-07:00

MIND SONG

My mind sings a song...

my brain hums the tune

The rhythm steadily thumps in my heart

My mind sings a song...

At the speed of time

The ironies constant

With words that sometimes shine

A song that I love

A song that I hate

My mind sings a song

I never seem to know the words

Until I see them

Until I live them

Until it is too late

But the melody continues

Faint yet sweet

Happy yet sad

Tragic yet beautiful

I know this song

I belong to this song

I live for this song

I am this song

I am the vessel

Within this symphony

Within my soul

2006-05-16T02:59:00.000-07:00

The Dance

I used to rhyme about boys
Dirty shirts and raised fists
Sneaky smiles hidden behind
A mother's long skirt
And a father's shrinking shadow
And when I rhymed about love
It followed me
Ready to swallow me whole
But now the confident steps
Of a man will forever hold my attention
And from this point forward
Send tingles down my spine
still I keep my distance

The fear of getting lost
Has materialized
And I realize
It is not my world anymore

I used to rhyme about love and loss
But now I dance in circles
Around everything
and hide my frustration in beauty
Continuing the echoes from years past
Years that I have long forgotten
Or deliberately remember

My only real problem is hidden
between the spaces of everything
I know

And in this way, it is invisible
To everyone but me
Flows around me, flows through me
Flows past me,
but never to me

Just the mention of its name
Gives the idea of simplicity
But only in my case

I trust the Lord
But this does not stop me from wanting
The obvious solution

Never needed a man's remedy
Suggestions and encouragement
Remind me of how alone I am
Just a strong, silent shoulder
When I need it
When I want it
Too much to ask
So I've been told

Within a complicated world
I draw simple pictures
Of clouds and smiling suns
In which I dance and dance and dance
Around trees, and flowers and everything

2006-05-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

Never been bitter

I never been bitter
Nah, not me, I laugh and pause
What me? No, never that
To think that you would be the cause
Of something just so
I don't know
It makes me want to just explode
From the inside out
My insides boil
with the thoughts of what I gave you
I made you spoiled
And you, you,
You you'll never know
But I don't care
I've moved on so...

It's not enough, you're still alive
On top of that it seems you thrive
You know, I'm out here
All alone
Well not alone
Just, nevermind
But still again, it seems your fine
I wish that God would strike you blind

I was the best you'll ever lay
You should be crying every day
You're trying to be
I'm already there
And you left me?
Baby, oh contrare

I never been bitter
but yes, I'm sweet
Some guys would pay
To kiss my feet
Scratch that
They'd pay to suck my toes
And you left me
For other hoes
And then complain
You deserve what you get
I hope the next girl treats you like shit

I never been bitter
I've never been better
My joy is your pain
And your pain is my pleasure
Your treasure was lost
But why can't you see that
You must wallow in it
Wallow, wallow, wallow

For the rest of your life
For my sake

...okay, maybe I'm a little bitter

2006-03-10T03:32:00.000-08:00

We were too much for this world to bear
We were way too early
And for that reason, we didn't stand a chance
but when I pray
I know it's not a mistake that we are living
We soften the land, for the seeds to be planted
This is the world that we were given
Symphonies will play in our honor
When the sun catches up with the rain

2006-03-10T03:05:00.000-08:00

Lost myself in a man

Lost myself in a man
Saw my children in his eyes
Saw our marriage in a church
Picked out by his mother
Lost myself in a man
And forgot all my plans
With the weight of responsibility
I forgot, I never knew, I never wanted
Lost myself in a man
Who found himself in me
Saw his success in my eyes
And a receipt for my life
At the end of a long ceremony
Lost my place in a book
Lost my way on a road
Locked my keys in my car
Lost my tv remote
Lost myself in a man for a moment
With dreams I never knew, I never wanted

2006-03-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

And that's why I love you...

Sometimes you wonder why I love you so
But the reasons, I think you already know
The way you smile, the way you drive
Your presence can turn a room alive
The sacrifices made, before we met
The goals you've accomplished, the goals you've set
We're so alike,
our pain our path
Our happiness
Our cries, our laughs
It takes a lot to be a man
There's many who can't
but you've shown me, there's one who can
I can't believe there's someone else out there
Who's just like me
Except more so
And you wonder why I love you
I think you already know
You are so intelligent
You put me to shame
But you're that much more interesting all the same
You don't hide behind a fear of expressing yourself
Your logic so appropriate
Your mind's in good health
You're man enough to admit when you're right, when you're wrong
In spirit and mind, we sing the same song
Life hits us different ways, but I've never gotten the notion
I'd have to babysit your life, or babysit your emotions
So off to separate lives we lead
We give sometimes until there's nothing left
But I never feel a burden in or out of your company
Just the thought of you makes me release a long, deep breath
Of all the people, how'd I meet you?
I think to myself...the two of us
Have known each other all along
The gods have smiled...how fortuitous!

2006-03-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

A Black Woman's Prayer

Delicate features and "good" hair
Just a watered down version of a Black woman's prayer
I wish my African features would kick in right now
And give me strength and dignity so I can be proud
This fragile blood
Comes at a robust price
We were once a mean people
but now we're just nice
Petite noses, petite state of mind
Soft hair, soft hands, soft behind
Manicured nails not able to handle the task of raising a stable generation,
A new standard of beauty easily leads us down a road of temptation
We had an inner strength so abundant, we loved our own with enough love
To raise them with care
We loved them so much that we didn't just show up
We were there
How we loved our boys, so much we let them grow into men
How we loved ourselves so much that it showed within
So I am on my knees and my head is bowed, Lord I know
We are attempting to overcome being pigeonholed
Despite how easily we assume those roles
Some women climb corporate ladders
While others slide down poles
And others hold onto a man
Even when there's nothing left to hold
Please Lord, take away this outer beauty
Please Lord I'm scared for my baby
Gyrating to African drums
Without African strength

I wish her features would kick in when
She is tested
If happiness is cut short at birth
If she has no father and forgets her worth
If her mother is a fool and her life gets worst
Lord take away this horrible curse
Before she crumbles under the weight of excuses
That her ancestors couldn't afford to use
Because they were once abused and although they escaped it
Lord, we're much weaker now
I wish our African features would kick in
and back then
what didn't kill you made you stronger
But now it nips you in the bud
And we cling to excuses
Must be that European blood
And lord, we actually ask you
For this fleeting power that disappears with age
Puts a target on our foreheads, sometimes trapping us in a cage
Sexuality as a means of gain, use what you got
To get what you want
Please Lord, tell me I got more than a small voice
and a big butt

Trying to be someone's baby girl
When my babies need a Mammy
Damn, I miss big Momma
What happened to the black family?
The only thing left from Africa was permed and dyed
And some of us just got to learn to put our childish dreams aside
And become the women we were when we laid down
Lord, I wish my African features would kick in right now

2006-02-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

Eye of the Storm

In the eye of the storm
Restless hearts grow still
Wild pupils observe the whirlwind

In this instance
We see why the wise
Build brick homes in seclusion
To avoid a sunny day
Turned into a violent breeze
Sometimes it takes a tragedy
For us to accept the bare minimum
When it's all we've ever needed
Strangers turn family into friends
Danger turns boredom into peace
Pain turns death into rest
And we do not cry for the sleep,
We realize that they are blessed
Small acts of kindness
save lives
Trivial complaints
Become distant memories
Reality uproots pipe dreams
and scatters selfish desires

Luxurious abundances

become dead weight
Responsibility builds a foundation
of simplicity and in turn beauty
and in turn happiness and
In turn success
A creature represented
not in weight
but in depth

not in weight

but in depth

not

weight

but

depth

In the midst of chaos

Necessity shrinks life down to size

And with the precision of a surgeon's knife

We cut away ties

And we learn to count our blessings

Every night with grateful cries

Within this whirlwind

In the eye of the storm

We watch a clearer day arrive

2006-02-17T01:03:00.000-08:00

Object of Affection

They look upon me

An object of affection

It is not completely lost

But I should not be looked upon in such a way

The unnatural glance of a man

With no thoughts, just visions

Of what could be, what should be

Because they are themselves

And I fit the criteria at the time

I do what I do, doing whatever I do

But it makes no difference to them

For I am now in their world

A world where they are the center, the star, the hero, the victim

And only God knows the role that I play

Maybe that of the goddess or the evil temptress

Sent to seduce them and leave them high and dry

Only this when things are not going as they've planned

My plans?

To do what I do, doing whatever I do

I am not completely lost

For in my world, I play the part of the heroine

Protecting herself from being abducted into a man's fantasy

2006-01-27T02:59:00.000-08:00

Everything is all right
No need to fight anymore
Who wants to fight anyway?
Without a cause to fight for

It's all in how you play the game
Said the referee
With the gameboard upside down
I landed on bankrupt four centuries ago
And went to jail without a chance card
I'm not a criminal
Actually, I didn't do it
But everybody says that
Everybody says that
So I jump on the backs
of generations of blacks
Attached to different causes
At once, slaves for the white man
And slaves to a dream
Now we're slaves to a name brand
Slaves to the green
Slaves to drugs and temptation
Slaves to territory and reputation
Slaves to our addictions and inner torments
Slaves to violence and ignorance
Slaves to our stereotypes
And slaves to our
crabs in a bucket
Just fuck it swagger
With sex at the tip of our lips
Everywhere you look
Voluptuous black women, swinging their hips
Rappers behind them giving out instructions
Drug deals, and no snitching pitches self destruction
Young black boys quitting school making beats in the basement
No child left behind, but if we turn around
It's children we're faced with
Teenage mothers pushing illegitimate babies down sidewalks
Talks of peace and acceptance
Yet hate and rejection force our children to be
self-concious since conception
Protecting old mantras of secrecy, ignoring abuse in the black family
Black men afraid of gays, afraid of committment
afraid of Black women, afraid of looking soft
Holding onto their dicks for dear life
Not realizing that if you're afraid of everything, it's already lost
Black women without self-respect, no man will complete you...you're already lost
With no father who had no father who had no father who had no father
Why bother to give an example to the next generation
When this demographic has become emaciated

As sad as a drunkard reminiscing his greatness
No need for pride any more, the time is getting too late for this
Schools taught by White Skin
Skipping vital lessons
No respect or knowledge for the brown skinned men
of the past who paved the way
Children calling out "Nigga Please!" on Martin Luther King day
Comparing ourselves to Jesus Christ
In the same sentence yelling, "Fuck my baby mama"
We sell tales of apathetic self-destruction to the White man
And they sell it to their children's impressionable minds, who buy into the drama
With self-defamation on our business card
Selling entertainment laced with ignorance and
Being cantankerous and moody, mistaken for being hard
Making excuses for abuses, common sense takes a back seat
I don't care what anybody says,
A child does not deserve to be shot
Because they were standing in the street
If a woman is being unreasonable, she does not deserve to be beat
Like a man
But the roles are reversed
And the black woman is the new Black man
Only in neighborhoods, where they can
get away with it
Equality surrounds us, on four sides all the same
The gameboard is a square, face side up
but it's how you play the game

But...everything is all right
No need to fight anymore
Who wants to fight anyway?
Without a cause to fight for

2006-01-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Life breathes
Like a person
Inhaling long and deep
Expanding and growing
Filled with particles
In rapid motion
And exhales
Contracting tightly
Shrinking to the bare minimum
Giving you nothing more but your space
And potential
And with the same eyes
Looking out on the same planet
It can be this big
Or this small
Depending on a breath

2006-01-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

I want to love you
I want to love you so much that I can taste it
Like white wine swirling around my tongue and traveling down my throat
Bringing warmness to every inch of my insides
I want to love you so that the thought of your very being
Spreads throughout me, giving comfort to every crack and corner of my soul
I want to love you so that you will never want another
You will never look any further
You will become the living manifestation of every cliche there is about love
I want to love you so much that I bring warmth to your cold days
And a breeze on the sun
I want to be the water to your glass
I want to fill you up and precipitate your outer layer
I want to rekindle hope for mankind with my love for you
Starting with you
I want to love you
So can I?

2006-01-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Step into the atmosphere
One foot at a time
The natives speak Swahili
Backwards through their minds
So that no one understands
The universal language, it's a rhythm
So I tap my feet to my own shit
Who needs an audience?

Let's toast to this planet
Beautiful and backward
And while I don't sing the national anthem
I know the words to the song
And silently
I pray that it's enough to hold me over

2006-01-14T07:47:00.000-08:00

I scream out and returned is the echo of other voices. I am given four options in a world of unlimited choices. I am crawling up a wall, but the wall's descending down. I am formally dressed, but represented as a clown. The sound of other voices echo and the muffled groans go mute. The words I heard, the words I hear are false but labeled as the truth. To lead me is to kill me and to touch me is to die. To take me, shape me, make me, shake me is to take me from my high. I'm just so high I have not reached the heights my heart would have me rise. My body floats into the heavens, breaking all my earthly ties. I am a flower growing beautifully, but withering with ease. You cannot pluck me from my element, my beauty, it will cease. I am given three options in a world of unlimited choices. Choking the life that has yet to be born, has yet to be given a voice. And so how can this amateur be on their own? If this amateur's not trusted to make it alone. Amd the warnings of fate as a prison cell evolve. But the prison cell of fate's not a prison at all. I am given two options in a world of unlimited choice. To die or to live by another man's voice. And as fate would have it, they force me to choose. But is fate forced, of course not, fate could never lose. The ones who imprison me broke free from the prison cell of fate. But this amateur is still locked in, the amateur could not escape. She is given one option in this world of unlimited choice. And this option is the option you take with no voice. And this option is not a choice in the least. With only one option decision has ceased. And I breathe in the warm scent of freedom, of air. And remember whose with me, whose always been there. Ultimatums exist in a world with no choices. Are thrown out in desparate fear by scared voices. Are voiced in the night, through the echoes of cries. And bounced off the walls until quickly they die. And left with no choice in the prison cell of fate. I am given unlimited options in the world I create.

2005-10-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

Promises in the dark

I need a break
My heart is putting logic at stake
I'm taking chances
breaking rules
and making fatal mistakes
All I want is to find that peace within my heart
But the only way to find it
Is for us to part
and the way I guess I see it is I love you too much
Life, although I'm grateful
Has a terrible clutch
The black night, it takes away the memories we keep
But it can't hold back the dreams I have when I'm asleep
I'm at the entrance to a tunnel
There you stand at the end
I try to step toward you but something steps in
It holds me back
and tells me, I'd better turn around
I look behind me for an exit
But there's none to be found
In a way it's love that's holding me
I don't want to be free
And if its love that's blinding me
I don't want to see
All I want to see is you
Please tell me, is that okay
All I want to see is you
And I can't stand the delay
Everyone has an opinion
I don't care what they say
Because when time tells me what time it is
I'll put it away
I'll pack my thoughts up
And later on, my feelings will drift
When you stop, that's when I'll stop
But damn, I'm needing that lift
Time shifts
and in turn, it makes us different people
If I move on I'm advising you, there will not be an equal
To the love I have for you my soul is bare and I am see-through
But dilemma has me boxed
And the choices are not my options
And you have me where you want
You're the key and I am locked in
So I wither away, wishing dearly I had your heart
Instead I'm stuck with your shadow
And your promises in the dark

2005-10-10T05:21:00.000-07:00

Who'd have thought, an hour and a half
Would equal the equivalent of one million miles
So long and stretched out
That even our voices cannot overcome the distance
So far away
That even our love cannot withstand the absence
So separate
That even our bodies cannot bridge the gap
What's the point of tugging a chain that stretches
a mile long...
if there is nothing at the end?
Communication dies first
Distance is a state of mind

2005-10-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

Black Men

Black men sitting on porches
Watching the sun escape
a dark, misty bed of trees
Holding their newspapers
Laughing and giving pounds
Smelling like cigars and soap
Listening to Anita Baker
Until the sun escapes the sky
Sinking back into the dark bed of land
And their women come back from a
long day of work

2005-10-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

"I usually rhyme"
I say crossing my legs and uncrossing them
My insides dance, restless
"You know what I mean?"
Who knows what I mean?
Does anyone know what I mean?
...no
The faces I see are usually stone and hard to read
And I don't mind, because I'm used to guessing
Most times, I'm right
Sometimes
And they laugh and frowns fly across their brows
And I disguise the truth in an analogy
in an example
Because truth straight up tastes nasty
but it makes more sense
And then my brow creases, but I am obvious
So simple that I am hard to read
And easy to dismiss
And then I cross my legs
and close my eyes and think
I usually rhyme, just not today

2005-10-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

Unborn Child

In quiet contemplation, I imagine the
Screaming, crying, and whining
Cute giggles and laughs
Over-sized heads and stumbling feet waddling through hallways looking at me
Looking like me
Dimpled, sticky fingers reach for cups and toys
Needing help, needing love, needing food, needing discipline
Needing clothes, needing sleep, needing attention, needing affection, needing me, needing us, needing patience, needing a man, needing a woman, needing a mini-van, needing a schedule...
Making me cook, making me clean, making me stay in my career, in my relationship, in my home, making me repeat myself, making me fall in love, making me wince, making me complain, making me worry, making me brag, making me into my mother
I give birth to my own heart, beating and thumping
wrapped up inside baby fat and smooth skin
I watch my own heart fall down and get up
Anticipating a world of soft pillows and lullabyes
Beaten into submission by a world that isn't "mommy"
I watch my heart walking around on this earth, without me
At the mercy of two blinking eyes
That have stretched out my skin and stretched out my breasts
Crows walk across the corners of my eyes
Greying out my follicles
Wrapped in soft teddy bear blankets and warmth
I watch my heart sleep, dreaming of me
and I dream of it, not today
But forever tomorrow

2005-10-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Secret Thoughts

I left
but I was never gone
I walk the walk
I sing the song
And when I'm here, I blend right in
My soul rests somewhere
Over the horizon

Over the plains
under a rock
In a sunny valley
Dancing on waves in a river
Splashing my feet in the warm mud
Sending my voice into the breeze

I yawn
most times from lack of sleep
I curse
"Shit, damnit...bleep, bleep, bleep!"
Sift through papers
Check my mail
I'm late again
My insides yell
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I'm gone
To that special paradise
Available to no one
Taken captive by the playful whispers
Of my own thoughts

Some people say the end is near
Sometimes I think the end is here
But what's the end, I must insist
Would it mean the end of this?
The end of chaos, the end of pain
Who cares if it ends, this world is insane

And I close my eyes
Waiting for the day

2005-10-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, I love you

I said

looking into his eyes

He stared with intensity into my eyes

Left to right, right to left, left to right, right to left

Almost forcing me to join his insanity

I said, I love you again to convince myself

as much as to convince him

and I did...

love him

But I did not need him

And he was not asking me to love him

He was asking me to need him and

I don't need anybody

2005-10-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

Love is a blanket, keeping me warm
Love is a solid, safe haven in a storm
Love is a tree, bearing sweet ripe fruit
Infatuation is a salesman, in a fancy suit

Infatuation is the free gift, with the hidden fee
Infatuation is the lifestyle that you see on tv
Love is the goal, infatuation is the trap
Infatuation loves affection, but this love is what it lacks

Affection is the currency, accepted at a rate
Affection not accepted often turns into hate
Hate turns on the fighter, like a punch with no glove
Hate is cold and bitter because it wants to be loved

Love is so complex that it's confusing to most
Love is just so simple, that it's easy to boast
Love is not an accident, love is a choice
Love speaks loudly for itself
although it has no voice